If I Were A Russian Hockey Player
Team: Lokomotiv Yaroslavl, Russian Super League. Drafted by the
NY Rangers ahead of Marek Svatos but after Eric Himelfarb, at least
Uniform number: 2
Position: Stay-at-home defenseman; the coach calls me up on game
days and tells me to stay home
Gets paid with: Black market household appliances and car care
kits still in the box
Nicknames: "Zuke", "Хитрожопый", "The Second Coming of
Wicked Awesome"
Dream linemates/pairings: Maxim Kondratiev or Fedor Tyutin
Rounding
Fedor Fedorov, Ilya Kovalchuk
Job: Handing out the Sudafed, staying behind while the rest of the team takes the ice to make sure the locker room isn't bugged
Signature move: Going for the deke on the breakaway, then losing the puck and falling flat on my ass
Strengths: Keeping myself handy with the stick tape, knowing
where to find the good vodka
Weaknessess: Letting the puck out of the zone, unwillingness to
accept an assignment to the minor-league affiliate
Injury problems: Occasional itchy, watery eyes; dry skin in the winter
Equipment: Leftover Cold War nukes and pucks baked in Chernobyl
Nemesis: Whomever it was that knicked my passport
Scandal involvement: Attending a State Dinner at the Vladimir Putin residence and steadfastly refusing to touch any of the food
Who I'd face in the Stanley Cup Finals: With my luck, probably some non-prestigious one-season wonder from the Western Conference that nobody wants to watch, like San Jose or Anaheim or something. Fuck them
What I'd do with the Stanley Cup after our victory: Try to hold it so that the fingerprints and smudges would always end up on the rings that have the Islanders and Philadelphia
Would the media love me or hate me? Depends-- are any of them Colin McEnroe?
Tagged: Ritch at American Hockey Fan, Patricia at 2 Man Advantage, Jay Hinman.
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